Checkbook, Please!

One of the nice things about being home for the summer is that I make money.

One of the not-so-nice things about being home is that that money will be spent on tuition.

One of the really-not-so-nice things about being home is that that money that will be spent on tuition is the result of overtime pay since I spend too much money that should be saved.

But as a wise philanderer once said, a penny saved is a penny that could've been spent on clothes.

So I decided it would be wise to document my spending for the past two weeks. The following is that documentation.

6/12 5:45 p.m.: Tiger Tickets ($18)
It's been about two months since I've seen my favorite Jesus-freak/future roommate. See him below.He's the one in the green. I thought the church frowned against stuff like that.

6/15 4:30 p.m.: Kinkos ($45)
Went to Kinkos to make a life-size color copy of this picture.
I especially like my tenacity. Also I like the look of the douchebag from U of M in the background. Also, Highfield's adjusting himself from behind my arm.

6/16 12:45 a.m.: Lady of the Night ($15)
She said I didn't tip well. I said she wasn't worth the $10 up front.

6/17 3:45 p.m.: Victoria's Secret ($25)
Last minute gift. Can't believe I almost forgot Mom's birthday.

6/19 5:30 p.m.: Picture frame ($30)
A picture like that deserves its own frame. Woooo self aggrandizement.

6/21 11:00 a.m.: Avril Lavinge CD ($9.99 on iTunes)
"You're so fine
I want you mine
You're so delicious
I think about you all the time
You're so addictive
Don't you know what I could do to make you feel alright?
Don't pretend I think you know I'm damn precious
And hell yeah
I'm the mother fucking princess
I can tell you like me too and you know I'm right"

Oh Avril, you doth speak what my lips cannot say.

6/24 11:45 p.m.: Decaying fish heads ($20 on the black market)
We'll see if Colman ever makes an ass out of me. He better watch his back.

6/26 4:30 p.m.: A new pair (price based on estimate)
Just in case anybody actually takes this post seriously

Apparently I Complain A Lot

So it was brought to my attention today that I'm somewhat of a curmudgeon in my blog posting. An 18 year-old Jack Nicholson circa "As Good As It Gets" if you will.

I'm not going to reveal the source of this observation, in true journalist form.

But this red-headed State News reporter may have had a point.

Thus, I set about writing an inspirational tale of an event that occurred today that rejuvenated my deteriorating home in the good-natured manner which people go about living each and every day. One filled with enough heart-warming, chill-inducing details to make you want to curl up with a good book next to a crackling fire in the heat of the winter.

Then I realized my job is a soul-sucking labor to serve some of the Earth's slimiest scum which pretty much occupies my life at the moment.

Once I made this observation, I decided curmudgeon be damned, I like bitching about everything from anteaters (Go UC-Irvine!) to xylophones (why the hell doesn't that start with "Z"???).

With that in mind, my newest semi-rant observation comes as I fulfill my college student obligation of shallowness and stalkerness realized through the wonder and amazement of Facebook.

Facebook itself was fine enough as it was a mere two months or so, give or take.

But something of a good thing is never enough of a good thing. Just ask Joe Dumars what happens when you don't change a damn thing besides a stool-pigeon of a coach for four years — here's a hint: you get your ass handed to you by a 22-year-old, Sideshow Bob, and Baldy McTuft and his merry band of freakshows.

So Facebook appeased the Red Bull-driven college population with hundreds of meaningless "Applications."

Below I have ranked the most prevalent Facebook Applications from worst idea to best idea, with a heart-warming comment or two to brighten your otherwise gloomy day.

5. "Trakzor" Ok, this one just scares me because I know I'll find a 23-year-old guy from Montana who dropped out of Eastern Montana State Technical Institute for the Mentally Handicapped who's secretly stalking me and planning to abduct me for a sex slave/English paper-writer.

That or Esther will find out that I'm secretly stalking her from afar. Ok, maybe I'm not. That's just my plug to get interviewed for her blog. But seriously, I am.

4. "Top Friends" Like Oh My Godddd guys. Today, I found out that Sarah didn't have me in her top 8 friends and I'm like, totally not talking to her anymore. I mean, like, how could she do that to me? I mean, like, when she was a total b and I carried her home from that frat party, I totally was, like, there to make sure she got home safe. And this is how she thinks of me?

Tell me you can't see that. I dare you. I double dare you. I physically challenge you.

3. "Graffiti" If I've seen one demented looking dinasour or one attempt to make a person with severe deformities, I've seen four of them. You can't draw all of you Picasso's on crack with a mouse.

2. "Superpoke" I don't want to tickle you. That'd be kinda gay. I don't want to spank you. I'm not into that. I don't want to grope you. That's called sexual harassment. I don't want to lick you. You taste bad. I don't want to bone you. That'd be bad to tell you through Facebook.



Wait, "bone" isn't an option?

1. "iLike" Ok, this one is sweet. Mostly because I have a better percentage on the iLike challenge than all y'all. Partly because music sharing is cool. But mostly because I kick your ass.

Feel free to debate. And don't say I was never warm and fuzzy inside — you all are worthwhile enough for me to be friends with you on Facebook.

Wait, what did you just say?

A direct quote of my dad, talking about my 16 year old brother, the world's biggest tool (pause for Maggie laughter):

"Your brother would fuck a snake if he could."

Wow. If you need a spork to gauge your eyes out after that visualization, I totally understand.

If nobody cared about Nickelback

I consider myself somewhat knowledgeable about the music scene of the 21st century: I can tell the Shins from Snow Patrol, Green Day from the Goo Goo Dolls, and Fergie from a piece of crap.

But there's one band that absolutely blows my mind in how much they themselves blow: Nickelback.

The following is an excerpt of lyrics from recent hit single from the group:

"I love you
I loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'd never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

So far away
So far away
far away for far too long
So far away
So far away
far away for far too long

But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
I love you
I loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me,and never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it hold on to me never let me go."

Inspiring, huh? A cokehead chimp with a brain defect could write that.

Their newest single, Rockstar, goes as follows:

"I want a brand new house
on an episode of Cribs
And a bathroom I can play baseball in
And a king size tub big enough
for ten plus me
--(Yea, So what you need)--

I need a credit card that's got no limit
And a big black jet with a bedroom in it
Gonna join the mile high club
At thirty-seven thousand feet
--(Been there done that)--

I want a new tour bus full of old guitars
My own star on Hollywood Boulevard
Somewhere between Cher and
James Dean is fine for me
(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars and
Live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
we'll hang out in the coolest bars
in the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up here
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blonde hair
And well...

Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar."

While slightly more verbose than their eloquent "Far Away" above, the group seems to forgot that they are rock stars. This song might as well be called "We're rock stars and you're not. Suck on that." Of course it never would, because that would imply they knew that rock star was two words, not one.

Nickelback might very well get the most out of very little better than any awful top 40 band out there right now.

And yet I still listen to them.

"Thoughts from my head"

"Thoughts from my head"

Ok, that up there says "Thoughts from my head"

Which leads me to this:

Who the fuck wants to write in Webdings?

It doesn't make sense. For example, how the hell are you supposed to know that Shift+apostrophe will give you a pentagon connected with a bunch of lines?

I mean, whenever I want to type a pentagon connected with a bunch of lines (and trust me, this happens about as often as that brilliant EMT truck that represents "H"), I know to immediately go Shift+apostrophe since nobody in the entire world doesn't know that. I mean, even frickin Spiderman would know how to type his own pentagon-shaped web.

Ok, for real this time. This is the first irrelevant blog in my currently irreverent summer life. So while I've been sitting behind the counter of a golf shop servicing exorbitantly rich people of the Jewish faith, these have been my thoughts on the world in general (feel free to provide answers):

If all the world is a stage, then where is the curtain?

If there are no small parts, just small actors, then what happens when Tom Cruise has just one line in a movie?

How can a country have two names, like Curacao and Netherlands Antilles? I mean, you don't see France calling itself both France and Country of Giant Pussies.

For that matter, how can a place have two capitals, like La Paz and Sucre in Bolivia. Rhode Island doesn't have Providence and that other city in Rhode Island as dual capitals.

Nomination list for the bands with the worst names:
- Hoobastank
- The New Pornographers
- The Red Jumpsuit Appartatus
- Fergie
- Keller Instinct

What is "How I roll?" Have you ever rolled? What is it "to roll"?

How come some people can pull off the one name thing (Cher, Madonna, Dubya) and others can't (Daughtry, Fergie, etc.)? Who decides that?

From work: Who's the dumbass who thought to himself, "Let's charge people $45 for 12 golf balls." Eff him and his big bag of money.

Those are my thoughts from the week. More to come.

What I'm listening to at this very moment as I type and the song changes because I've spent too long typing and get pissed off at iTunes: Portland Is Leaving - Rocky Votolato