More things to do before death...dum dum dum

Resuming the list:

90. Have Rod Allen call me "country strong" - In the words of some, I'm very "j" of Marcus Thames and Mike Hessman. "Them boys is counnnnnntry strong!" Ahh, the grammar and ingenuity of an Emmy winner never ceases to amaze. Actually, Rod Allen can pretty much yell whatever he wants, as long as it has my name in it.

89. Go parasailing - This seems like a nice thrill on my less-than-thrilling (ha! pun!) resume (I don't know how to do accents on a Mac). It's halfway between skydiving (Does jumping out of a moving plane sound smart? I didn't think so.) and jet skiing (what's with the whole skis part of it? Be a man, go barefoot, and then get back to me). Plus, I figure if Ely has done it, it can't take that much testosterone.

88. Go to Bonnaroo - Does it get any better than standing in mud in the middle of Tennessee (Tennessee and "the middle of nowhere" are interchangeable here) with thousands of stoners listening to drunken musicians for four days? The answer is no. Not to mention I'd fit right in wearing my Dockers polo shirt, cargo shorts, Adidas sandals, and Titleist visor.

87. Live to see MSU in the Rose Bowl - This task almost fell victim to the "If It's Not Plausible, Don't Count It" clause, but what the hell. In Dantonio, I Observe Trust. That, and Drew Stanton has to have a kid someday. Here's hoping SirDarean never does, though, for the good of MSU football and the future of evolution.

86. Be a contestant on Jeopardy - I'll take "People That Aren't Funny" for $800, Alex. "Answer: This journalist started his career trying to mix comedy with sports in the Michigan area, before eventually becoming a famous alcoholic and moving to tend to non-existent sheep in Montana." *Alex calls my name* "Who is Tom Keller?".......I'd totally kick ass on that show.

85. Snort coke with Lindsay Lohan - Because apparently rehab didn't fix her.

84. Learn the meaning to the lyrics of any song by The Shins - Don't get me wrong, I really like their sound. But I don't understand a damn word they say. Tell me what this means:

"A dual tone under wall
Selfish fool and hoped you’d save us all
Never dreamt of such sterile hands,
You keep them folded in your lap,
And raise them up to beg for scraps,
You know, he's holding you down,
With the tips of his fingers just the same,
You'll be pulled from the ocean,
But just a minute too late,
Or changed by a potion,
We’ll find a handsome young mate,
For you to love."

......huh?

83. Spend an entire month without visiting Facebook - Can you go 30 days without stalking people or seeing another "Hey, let's put a camera in front of our faces for the 149th time and take a picture" picture? It's like that movie "40 Days and 40 Nights"...except with 30 days...and without the Lenten-prohibiting sex...and without Josh Hartnett...unless he had a Facebook...in which case I'd totally be friends with him...

*This task must be completed by the age of 25 in order to count. Unless Josh Hartnett has a Facebook. Then everything's all good.

82. Erase the post-Toxic Britney Spears from my mind - Remember when Britney was just the girl next door in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit and skin-tight red space suit? Me too. I miss those days. I really miss those days. Can't you just be that wholesome lipped-glossed pop singer who was closer to dating me than some dead-end self-loathing rapper? Please, baby, one more time?

81. Meet Hillary Clinton - I don't know what I'd do if I met her. I'd either slap her and run (because I'm pretty sure she could beat my ass), ask her how her marriage is going with Ol' Willie, or kick her in the groin, thus exposing the pair she's got to be packing down there (I can already see the headline: BALL-BUSTED) I'm guessing I'd do the first one, even though the third sounds more riveting.

More to come.

You're Going To Die! Now What?

It may be a morose thought, but it's probably as probable of a statement as you can make: You will die at some point. So now what?

I say, "Death, take your grimness and shove it." Which leads me to this point.

What would have to happen in your life for you to die a completely happy and fulfilled person? What memories, events, and successes would have to be a part of your life in order for you to sit on your deathbed and say to yourself, "Well, there's nothing I didn't do that I wanted to." Can you even put a number of the amount of things that you would have to experience to be content with the inevitable fate that belies every single human being?

Well I'm going to. I've been inspired by my best friend Andy to make a list of the 101 things I want to do before I die.

You see, one of Andy's things was to do a stand-up routine (you can witness the event in previous posts). I applaud him for being able to tick off number 14 on his list. I also worry about the fact that his other 99 things involve sleeping with women way out of his league (the other one involves a similar task, but with Orlando Bloom. He's kind of got a thing. Don't ask.) So we'll see how that works.

Ok, that story was totally made up. But whatever.

So over the next few days, I'll list the 101 things I want to do before I die. I'll omit the things that are totally implausible, even if they would be on my list (even though I refuse to believe that I won't end up getting freaky with Jessica Alba at some point).

101. Shoot a harpoon - Those things look so awesome. I'd say "Shoot a harpoon at a living animal," but those PETA people are fucking crazy and will track me down and cut off my hands off so that I cannot shoot a harpoon. In that case, I will amend Task 101 to "Shoot a harpoon with my feet."

100. See the dissolution of PETA - I'm not kidding, I really hate those people. Give me a T-bone over your tofu any day. And those alligator shoes I have make me look like a total pimp. Seriously, when a cow can fight back and slaughter humans in mass numbers, give me a call and I'll protest KFC's torture of chickens. Until then, take a nice filet and shove it where the sun don't shine.

99. Travel to the World Cup - My loathing of soccer has been well documented via Gmail statuses, but the World Cup brings together constantly drunk Aussies, douchebag Italian floppers, Frenchmen who actually stop smoking and run for once, Africans from countries in the midst of Civil War, and Americans unaware that they went to the wrong type of football game. That sounds like an amalgamation of uncontrollable fun and entertainment.

98. See France become a second world country - I really want to know how the French exist. They barely work, they all smoke, they drink constantly from the age of 5, they refuse to fight anybody, they make really shitty movies, their most famous athlete is a headbutter (or buttheader, which sounds a lot more juvenile), they riot in their own streets, and they actually celebrate people who ride bicycles. If they didn't have French bread named after them, they wouldn't actually be a country.

97. Get an Irish accent - American is so boring. Give me an accent where you can't understand a damn word I'm saying. And Bostonian doesn't count. Oh, and I want to be able to say "laddie." That'd be kick ass.

96. See Nickelback fall off the face of the Earth - I don't want Nickelback to die or anything, but can't they just develop a heroin habit and spend the rest of their life in rehab? Or just fade into oblivion where they are found out to be Cuban immigrants? Or just make a duet with Fergie? Something that makes their careers so totally irrelevant and disgusting that their very existence is wiped from the minds of every man, woman, and child with ears.

95. Spend a day watching every Scrubs episode in a row - If "The Office" is my lovechild, "Scrubs" is my step-lovechild. Even though some of the new episodes suck, nothing brightens my day like a good, solid laugh from "Scrubs."

94. Ending this list early - This seriously takes forever. I'm only on number 94. This one is really just an attempt to waste things I have to think of. But no, I must persevere. My loyal readers demand excellence.

93. Punch someone I hate in the face - How cool would it be to take someone you just hate with a burning passion and break their nose with a roundhouse sucker punch? Antoine Walker, you better watch your face. By the way, how did the guy that held him up not shoot him? I mean, c'mon, he's a big giant douchebag. On the douchebag scale of douchiness, he's got to be at least a 9.8. Somewhere in between Michael Vick and that from "Survivor" who molested his kid.

92. Elevate myself to Chuck Norris status - One of my life-long dreams is for one young adolescent in 15 years to say "Jacob Carpenter doesn't do push ups, he does push downs." Or "Jacob Carpenter can divide by zero." Or "My wife yells Jacob Carpenter's name in bed." You get the idea. (Special shoutout to ColeHamelsFacts.com, for all your Chuck Norris-like facts.)

91. Weigh 175 pounds - As one of my most encouraging compadres once said, "You look like Nicole Richie two weeks into a tapeworm infection." Well, I want to look like Nicole Richie all right: The "Simple Life" era Nicole Richie, back when she looked like she knew what a hamburger tasted like. Only 45 pounds to go!

I'll be back later with Nos. 81-90.

I'm Finding A Life Mate

So this morning I spent a good 30 minutes filling out an eHarmony.com questionnaire.



Now that I've lost my self-respect and Y-chromosome, let me explain.

I'm working on a business plan similar to that of an eHarmony.com. It's going to make me rich. My dad asked me last night if I would consider dropping out of school to pursue this plan. In the words of my Chip, my RA last year: What? Are you serious? Are you furreal?

That's right. But that's not the point of this post. The real point is what I found when I filled out the questionnaire. (Keep in mind this is all an educational tool for me. I'm not looking for my life partner.)

First of all, they rejected me because I wouldn't have enough agreeable matches. Maybe it's because I'm 18. That or the fact that I sought a Mormon between the ages of 18 and 24 who makes more than $100,000 a year and is willing to get freaky before marriage. I really don't know.

But here is what I do know: The put a picture of a guy next to each of the five reports categories (Agreeableness, Openness, Emotional Stability, Conscientiousness, and Extraversion) and each one of these guys looks overly gay. Check them out:

I just thought I would point that out. The rest of the "personality profile" tells you all your shortcomings and where you suck at life. But I already knew all of that stuff.



This post really has no point at all. I think I'm done.

Would the real Nickelodeon please stand up?

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