The Prodigal Jackson

After six days in Jackson, Michigan, I feel like I'm stepping into the hillbilly version of Alice in Wonderland each and every day.

In the greater West Bloomfield area, there were no smoke shops, the biggest dive bar was The Blue Martini, and there were Jews.

In Jackson, not so much.

Given, my dad's roots in the yeoman land of Lancaster (pronounced Lank-uh-stir, not Lan-caster) have me quite versed about areas where "You might be a redneck jerks" exhibit themselves every day. But Jackson's a whole different roasted pig.

How do I know? 10 observations from my limited amount of time in Jackson, Michigan — birthplace of the Republican Party and Polident (not really).

1. Jackson has an exotic dancer club on the corner near the abandoned train yard. It's an insult to skankiness everywhere.

2. The Leoni Township Lion's Club is holding its 51st annual Carp Carnival this month. Contrary to popular belief, and the pursuit of fun everywhere, this is not a celebration of me.

3. Saw an 25-year-old riding down the sidewalk on a pocket bike with one hand on the handlebar and another smoking a cigarette.

4. Asked to find a smoker who was against the new smoking ban and a non-smoker hailing the ban, I struggled to find the latter.

5. The town's premier tanning salon is called Tan-Fastic, which boasts 2 million tans sold like McDonalds boasts 99 million double cheeseburgers sold.

6. The Town Bar is as dingy as it sounds. Its owner believes our government is filled with socialists and Granholm should go back to Canada where she belongs. And you can quote him on that.

7. There's a sign for a house near downtown: $74,349 OBO.

8. The city's finest art gallery once was the home of the state's most notorious criminals.

9. Still haven't found a Jew.

10. Bike Night at Wooly E. Bully's Bar features slutty mechanical bull riding.