Killing Me Loudly

It happens every summer: Some absolutely moronic song that defies logic and common decency comes along and makes me want to pull a Van Gogh times two so that I don't have to endure its demented attempt at being catchy.

Yet society listens, radio stations blast it every 15 minutes (yeah, I'm looking at you 97.5), it runs during commercials for FOX's newest show that jumped the shark before production started and the pseudo-singer becomes the latest one-hit wonder.

This year — disgustingly — is no exception. The song, "I Kissed A Girl," is about a quarter-life female who discovers that cherry chapstick tastes good, especially when it comes from the lips of another chick.

Now normally guys aren't opposed to anything that is within a mile's distance of girl-on-girl action. But it's time to speak out against the dumbing down of our airwaves. I'd really like to meet the people who heard this song and said, "Let's plaster it all over the radio and wait for the idiotic public to become obsessed with it because they're too stupid to actually listen to real music." I don't claim to be a musical connoisseur by any means. In fact, I don't even like the Beatles (put that in your drug paraphernalia of choice and smoke it). But there has to be something better than this. I'd rather listen to Snoop Dogg or Justin Timberlake or (wait for it...keep waiting.....) New Kids on the Block.

Here's a sampling of lyrics from "I Kissed A Girl" (a note to my pastor if you're reading this: please stop here so that you don't think the entire world is doomed to hell.):

"I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it"

I didn't think it was possible, but this makes Nickelback look like Bob Dylan, Fergie like Joni Mitchell and Daughtry like Tom Waits. The sad part is the people actually eat this stuff up like hot dogs at a Fourth of July party. On the way to work today, a woman called in to say that her 5-year-old can lip-synch the song. No wonder teenage girls are now getting pregnant by the dozen plus five (this might be a somewhat flawed argument because, after all, babies can't result from what Perry is preaching).

But you know what? Who cares. This song defies all attempt at being rational and intelligent, so why can't I do the same? It's a disgrace that such a mindless try at making "music" (does anyone consider this mindless background beat to be melodic?) makes its way up the charts. It's not the first time it has happened and it won't be the last. And yes, music is nearly completely subjective, but there's just some bit of objectivity that has to go off in minds that says, "I'm probably losing brain cells by listening to this."

I know that I listened to "I Kissed A Girl" just to try it and I didn't like it. You shouldn't either.