Can I buy a facelift?

You know who's more consistent than Cal Ripken Jr., more tenured than the Dalai Lama and glossier than a swath of leather?

The only woman in the world who can buy you a vowel.

I remember back in the day, way back in the day, when I was just a young lad watching Wheel of Fortune. I would yell and scream and most likely make absolutely no sense as contestants purchased consonants and interpretated inane idioms. And through it all, there was Vanna White. What a name, like it fell from the heavens, landed on toddler feet and ordered it to reveal letters like it was her job. Which it is.

Even before I lost my baby teeth, I knew she was quite a woman.

Even when I was playing Wheel of Fortune on a disk and she was scrambled in yellow, purple and green, Vanna was there.

Even now, Vanna is still rocking out at the big board, albeit with a shorter haircut and what appear to be some performance-enhancing drugs lodged in her moneymaker (that's her face, people).

Vanna's story is quite the interesting one, according to Wikipedia, which, by the way, is the best thing ever, because anybody in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you're getting the best possible information.

Her first husband was a Playgirl model/Chippendales dancer (because really, the two are just complementary) that was killed in a plane crash, she wrote an autobiography when Reagan was president, she made several critically-abhorred acting appearances and she's been referenced at length in songs by Nelly and Weird Al (which is the universal sign that you have arrived). Perhaps most importantly, the Guinness Book of World Records recognized her as television's most steadfast clapper, averaging 750 per episode.

She made her debut in the early 1980s and has shown no signs up letting up. At the age of 51, Vanna is still rocking out as the co-host of Wheel of Fortune, likely making enough money to buy the fricking alphabet. It'll be interesting to see what happens in, oh, 7 or 8 years when she's closer to collecting social security than cat calls. Still, I'll always tune in to watch Vanna do the world's easiest job (if you can think of something easier, I'll be forever in your debt), although I don't know what it's like to walk back and forth in heels all day.

Vanna, I'll always want to buy a "u".