That's What They Said

The past week or so has been rather uneventful as the start of the school year approaches. To make up for this lack of entertainment, I could have done a bevy of things — get into shape, read thought-provoking books, and continue to research my beat for work for this fall, for example.

But I chose to do something more important. I chose to re-watch season 2 of "The Office" in preparation for the release of the season 3 DVDs and the season 4 premiere.

In doing so, I found myself asking the following question: Of all the great lines provided by "The Office," what are the best?

Now, this is like picking between Natalie Portman, Jessica Simpson, Eva Longoria, and Jessica Alba for a one night stand (or, say, marriage, assuming Jessica Simpson never opened her mouth).

You just can't go wrong no matter your choice.

But still, I'm giving it a shot with my top 10 "Office" quotes from the top of my head. I know I'll forget something absolutely priceless, so let me know if I do.

With that, here's #10.

10. "Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody."

If only he knew what it meant to drop a deuce.

9. "There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re down river from that old bread factory."

A forgotten nugget from "E-mail Surveillance." Hands up, Agent Michael Scarn!

8. "I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since, I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So … most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then, I wake up, to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s the perfect way to start the day. Today, I got up, I stepped onto the grill, and it clamped down on my foot, that’s it. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that."

This quote is very long (that's what she said) and not very memorable on its own, but it tells everything you need to know about the brilliance of "The Injury."

7. "A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us. And he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um, and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. Really ruined eighth grade for us."

Teachers are always told to make education a more hands-on experience. Mr. Handell apparently didn't know that that didn't apply to sex education.

6. "You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda. Global warming. Sex predators. Mercury poisoning. So do we just give up?"

Sex predators? Mr. Handell just couldn't catch a break in "Business School."

5. "I taught Mike some uh, some phrases to help with his interracial conversations, you know, stuff like, “fleece it out,” “goin’ Mach 5,” “dinkin’ flicka,” you know, things us Negroes say."

I can just PacMan Jones explaining that he was just "goin' Mach 5" when he was making it rain in da club. Dinkin' flicka.

4. "Michael said, 'We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them. And in that way, we honor them.'"

"Casino Night" was just cash money, take it to the bank, buy a Bentley and ride it dirty.

3. "Um, are you free for dinner tonight?"

Admittedly, I'm a little leery about how the whole Jam thing is going to work out. Like a construction zone, please proceed with caution, writers. But I did get a little butterflyey at this. I just lost what manliness I had left (pause for "You're a dude? I never woulda guessed." joke).

2. "So you're PMS'ing pretty bad, huh?"

If I had to describe Dwight in four words: Hardworking, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable, Master Of The Female Body.

1. "Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips yours heart out for no good reason. And you are nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you, and that she was better than all the other hoes in the world... and then... and then suddenly she's not yo' ho' no mo'."

Nuff said. Preachin' to the choir brotha.


Honorable mentions:
- "I hate so much about the things that you choose to be."
- "I want to be married and have a hundred kids, so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend."
- "I am King of Forwards. It’s how I like to do business. Everybody joking around. We’re like friends. I am … Chandler, and … Joey, and uh, Pam is Rachel, and Dwight … is Kramer."
- "What has two thumbs and likes to bone your mom? This guy!"
- "Once I’m officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified."