The Frozen Chosen Is Blessed

I have the best Man On The Street adventures. Like "somebody should make a children's book about them" adventures.

I'm going to make a few points about my latest shenanigans on my bi-weekly escapade known as Man On The Street and let the text then speak for itself.

1. This text is only about 1/3 of my conversation with the three women.
2. I said absolutely nothing throughout the entire text (I only nodded my head).
3. Prior to this text, I was told I was a "frozen chosen" because of my Presbyterian background.
4. Woman #1 hugged me. I don't like being touched.
5. In no way am I religious.
6. I've never wanted to laugh in somebody's face more and had to hold it back for a painstaking five minutes.
7. The text doesn't do the rapidity of the speech justice. Imagine this as constant communication without a single second of pause.
8. I'm going to hell.

And with that, the text of my Man On The Street Encounter (coming to a bookstore near you):

Woman #1: You've got a dangerous job. That's why you've got to cling on to faith and cling on to God. When you wake up, you should start thanking him for another beautiful day and for pointing your feet in the right direction on what he wants you to go get. More than likely, it's the Word and something he wants you to do for God's people because there's children in the dark that don't know him and don't know he's there for them, you understand? There's just in the dark feeding off the devil and they need to be feeding off God's word and you've got it, you're carrying it. He picked you for a reason (rounds of 'Oh yes he did'), a handsome young man.

Woman #2: He's like, 'Oh my goodness,' he doesn't know what he's gotten into. He was just asking some people about the park.

Woman #3: But it was a divine appointment. God loves you and you have lots of power in that pen.

Woman #1: As soon as you're able to get to the Bible, just ask God to show you what he wants from you.

Woman #3: Yeah, just let the Holy Spirit guide you. God must rule.

Woman #1: Ask God what he wants from you. He'll give you the Holy Ghost to lead you in the right direction, the safe direction. I reckon he'll keep harms out your way.

Woman #3: He'll keep you from wolves in sheep's clothing.

Woman #1: Seek him first. Ask him for his armor. Say a prayer and just thank him for getting you home. Once you get a hold of God, he'll give you more wisdom than any schooling. He will and he'll show you how to work that schooling. You'll pass like that. But you've got to hang in there. He ain't lost. A lot of people are like, 'I found God, I found God,' but no you didn't. He was never lost. He chose you. He chose you to do that. You're going to be successful.

Woman #2: There's going to be some trials and tribulations.

Woman #1: Like I said, there's going to be some dangerous times but you're going to have the angels with you. God got you. God got you as long as you get him in the morning and get him right there at night. Thank you God for another day. He'll get you. You going to be all right. You going to be very successful.

Woman #3: "He all like, 'Hey I came over here.'

(Cackles)

Woman #1: Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid because God got you. He a good God. You great now and you recording his word, you write down his word. You meet people of different nationalities and that's what God wants, that bouquet of colors and nationalities together on that paper.

Woman #3: Truth in print is so desperately needed and that's where your courage is needed, to stand by the truth.

Woman #1: I don't know where you at with God. Only you know. Just ask him to show you where he wants you at. You've got to get him first. Pray first. Get it first and he'll show you where to go in the Bible and you'll go right there. It will tell you right where to go. Always have time for the Bible.

Woman #3: They take you places in the Bible that you never hear about in church.

Woman #1: Whatever kind of relationship, I don't care how hard or how down you like, 'Oh God why me. Help me and pull me out of this God,' always pray for him.

(Flying pine cone nearly hits me)

Woman #3: What did you just throw Michael? So let's just pray for Jacob and send him on his way. We ask you to bless us and rest upon Jacob as his name speaks volumes. We ask that you bless his hand as he writes in journalism and we ask that you give him favor Father as you guide his path.

Woman #1: There's an angel with him God

Woman #3: To protect him in all the things he does.

Woman #1: Bless and protect him God with the blood over his life and his journalism and the name of people and his family. Thank you God.

Woman #3: And his future family. Guide them. And so shall it be.

(Undecipherable whoopings and praises to God)

Woman three: You just got a blessing and you got no idea.

I really had no idea.

Jacktown U.S.A.

Sorry for the lack of postage the past few weeks. Inspiration has been evading me like it has a restraining order against me.

I realized that a large part of starting blogs such as this was to keep in touch with other people and to share stories about what life is like for those few months outside of East Lansing. And when I think of being outside E.L., there's no other place I would rather be than Jackson, Michigan. When you think about it, there isn't a single "Jackson" city that's desirable. Jackson, Mississippi? Too hot and too much in Mississippi. Jackson, Tennessee? Too much country music. The other seven Jacksons? None of them are in Hawaii, so they don't matter.

Still, the amount of comedic gold that comes from this little hole in the map ceases to amaze me. As I'm chasing down incredible stories about teen swim meets, Fourth of July parades and raucous local government meetings, I get to meet and see some of the most interesting people God decided to put on this Earth to make the rest of us feel better about ourselves. Not to say all of Jackson is sketchy -- there are some nice neighborhoods and the eight people that live in them. But for the most part, Jackson is a land that time forgot, probably because it's awfully forgettable. It's still living in the 1980s, when factories were still running and Michael Jackson was still black. With it comes the people and stories, as mentioned below, that make Jackson the birthplace of substandidarity. I made that word up.

-- A county commissioner who is running for township supervisor doesn't know how to work a computer. He doesn't want to know because he's afraid of junk mail.
-- A sign on U.S. 127 denoting a factory: Screw Machine Services. I've racked my brain and come up with six interpretations. Three are inappropriate.
-- I've seen three signs outside churches that make me believe I'm going to hell in a waste basket. God is watching, people. And judging.
-- The biggest celebrities to hit the town in my time in Jackson: Erik Estrada, Rich Rod and a guy from the Blue Collar Comedy tour.
-- The Independence Day parades aren't really parades. They're tractor pulls.
-- A woman running for the township board of trustees doesn't want to talk to me because she doesn't know the issues affecting her town.
-- In case you haven't heard this gem yet: A man stabbed his mother in the neck with a dinner fork. Then stole a bike from a neighbor's garage. Then got into an argument with a woman on the street. Then hit said woman in the head with 10 pounds of frozen chicken. He was in our paper for man on the street two weeks earlier.
-- In an attempt to find people who knew about an assault, I knocked on the first door in a neighborhood. A young woman answered. She said she didn't know about anything. She also said she was an "entertainer in Las Vegas." She proceeded to put on shoes and walk around to three houses. She called me sweetheart the entire time and commented repeatedly on how young looking I was. She might have been drunk. I decided against leaving my card. I don't have a card.
-- Side story: The best part of my day sometimes is reading the letters sent to the one-time editors of Dear Abby. Too many people have screwed up marriages.
-- The headliners for the Jackson County Fair? The Nuge and the naked girl from High School musical. Classy.
-- Completely unrelated to Jackson: Ryan Field signs off of the Tigers pre-game show by saying, "Stay classy, Detroit." An oxymoron from a moron.


This was a completely random and probably unnecessary post, but that's the report from Jackson, Michigan: The place that elementary school forgot.

Can I buy a facelift?

You know who's more consistent than Cal Ripken Jr., more tenured than the Dalai Lama and glossier than a swath of leather?

The only woman in the world who can buy you a vowel.

I remember back in the day, way back in the day, when I was just a young lad watching Wheel of Fortune. I would yell and scream and most likely make absolutely no sense as contestants purchased consonants and interpretated inane idioms. And through it all, there was Vanna White. What a name, like it fell from the heavens, landed on toddler feet and ordered it to reveal letters like it was her job. Which it is.

Even before I lost my baby teeth, I knew she was quite a woman.

Even when I was playing Wheel of Fortune on a disk and she was scrambled in yellow, purple and green, Vanna was there.

Even now, Vanna is still rocking out at the big board, albeit with a shorter haircut and what appear to be some performance-enhancing drugs lodged in her moneymaker (that's her face, people).

Vanna's story is quite the interesting one, according to Wikipedia, which, by the way, is the best thing ever, because anybody in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you're getting the best possible information.

Her first husband was a Playgirl model/Chippendales dancer (because really, the two are just complementary) that was killed in a plane crash, she wrote an autobiography when Reagan was president, she made several critically-abhorred acting appearances and she's been referenced at length in songs by Nelly and Weird Al (which is the universal sign that you have arrived). Perhaps most importantly, the Guinness Book of World Records recognized her as television's most steadfast clapper, averaging 750 per episode.

She made her debut in the early 1980s and has shown no signs up letting up. At the age of 51, Vanna is still rocking out as the co-host of Wheel of Fortune, likely making enough money to buy the fricking alphabet. It'll be interesting to see what happens in, oh, 7 or 8 years when she's closer to collecting social security than cat calls. Still, I'll always tune in to watch Vanna do the world's easiest job (if you can think of something easier, I'll be forever in your debt), although I don't know what it's like to walk back and forth in heels all day.

Vanna, I'll always want to buy a "u".