A Tribute To A Giant

A couple nights ago, I decided to stay up and watch Barry Bonds make his run at tying Hank Aaron's home run record of 755 dingers. Bonds hit an opposite field shot to draw even with Hank that night.

What a waste of a night.

So, naturally, I was asleep when Bonds hit his 756th home run last night.

But that got me to thinking, "What would I rather be doing, besides sleeping, than watching Bonds' record-breaking home run?"

So in tribute to the greatest home run hitter of all time*, I have come up with 75.6 things I'd rather do than watching Barry Bonds' 756th steriod-filled home run.


1. Watch a cement truck rotate for an hour.
2. Hear Pistons P.A. Announcer Mason bellow, "And now, starting at power forward, number eight, Antoine Walker."
3. Watch repeats of CNN's coverage of Paris Hilton in jail.
4. Wake up in a threesome with two other dudes.
5. Fondle Rick Majerus.
6. Get in a cage match with one of Michael Vick's pitbulls
7. Be Inmate #329483 in this prison: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMnk7lh9M3o
8. Wear a Grady Sizemore jersey.
9. Learn how to play curling.
10. Sleeping in a bed filled with earwigs.
11. Snort crushed Nerds.
12. Be Jason Grilli.
13. Attend a Justin Timberlake concert.
14. Go a day without the Internet (gasp!)
15. Listen to a Nickelback song.
16. Watch Charles Barkley play a round of golf.
17. Listen to Rob Parker's radio show.
18. Vote for Hillary Clinton.
19. Sit on the tarmac in a Jet Blue airplane.
20. Live in Montana.
21. Be related to Hugh Grant.
22. See "Gigli."
23. Be David Wells' personal chef.
24. Pay taxes.
25. Be a contestant on "The Singing Bee."
26. Be at the mercy of Jack Bauer.
27. Be a soccer trainer for the Italian national team.
28. Paint the White House.
29. Go to the Secretary of State office.
30. Sit in jail with my 6-foot-5 250-pound cell mate, Bubba.
31. Be Linsday Lohan's publicist.
32. Clean rest stop urinals.
33. Run a marathon in Arizona.
34. Get in the ring with Mike Tyson.
35. Watch season 3 of "Gilmore Girls."
36. Hear the words, "Now pinch running, catcher Bengie Molina."
37. Sit next to Star Jones.
38. Tell Pacman Jones that whatever he makes rain is now officially mine.
39. Film Victoria Beckham's reality show.
40. Call Delmon Young out on strikes.
41. Stand in front of a Randy Johnson fastball.
42. Call Jeremy Shockey a wuss.
43. Be Sergio Garcia on the 18th in the final round of a major.
44. Watch "Tommy Boy."
45. Coach the Oakland Raiders.
46. Carry Rae Carruth's baby.
47. Piss off Tom Coughlin.
48. Own 5-year-old Enron stock.
49. Lie outside naked at night, covered with honey.
50. Be the best man of the guy marrying Jessica Alba.
51. Psychoanalyze Tom Cruise.
52. Be Jan Van De Velde's caddy, circa 1999.
53. Tie a rubber band around my testicles. (My drunken great uncle and his drunken factory buddies did this to his cat. R.I.P. Pete.)
54. Be the child of Alec Baldwin.
55. Own a NFL Europa team.
56. Be a Knicks fan.
57. Wear a "I Heart USA" shirt while visiting Pakistan.
58. Pierce my tongue.
59. Attend the University of Michigan.
60. Discover Jenna Fischer is married. (She is. Damnit.)
61. Meet Fergie. (I would punch her. Hard.)
62. Be Tim Donaghy's bookie.
63. Style my hair to look like Steve Nash's.
64. Work for the IRS.
65. Be stalked by a 45-year-old who lives with his mother.
66. Watch "Billy Madison" eight times in a row.
67. Get an STD.
68. Have that STD be crabs.
69. Go skinny dipping in the Arctic Ocean.
70. Stick my finger in an electric socket.
71. Get into a domestic dispute with Sebastian Telfair.
72. Cheer for the Cubs.
73. Try to tackle Brian Urlacher.
74. Listen to Skip Bayless.
75. Be Greg Anderson, Barry Bonds' personal trainer/jailbird.
75.6. Watch six innings of a Devil Rays - Royals game in September.